Amazon Foresight | Bad Internet

Updated : Nov 19, 2019 in Articles

Amazon Foresight | Bad Internet


– Can I tell you why Amazon is
great? I love how it takes care of
everything. Free deliveries with Amazon
Prime, groceries with AmazonFresh,
instant reorders with Amazon Dash, while I’m
watching TV on my Fire Stick or reading on my Kindle. Heck, I even have the
old Amazon Fire phone. But I don’t have to tell
you how great Amazon is. You know what I’m talking about. Thanks, see ya next time Wendy. Nice. (gentle music) Hm, Amazon Foresight. – [Voiceover] I love
ordering stuff from Amazon. But I hate waiting for it. – We have a lot in common, lady
voice. – [Voiceover] That’s
where Foresight comes in. Foresight analyzes my
demographics, past consumer behaviors, and a few loosely regulated
government databases to predict what I’ll
need before I need it. Amazon Foresight, you
don’t even have to ask. – No, no, Mr. Martin’s gonna be
impressed. – I really think you’ll– Oh, whoa, I’m so sorry. That’s awful, you’re so wet. Let me get that. – Just get new files. – I like your shirt. Hey. (upbeat music) – Weird. – Thanks for coming with me. I can never get anyone
to do this Pakistanian. Hot sauce? – Sure. – [Blonde Woman] Yeah, it’s
so good, it’s called gut lava. I used to eat hot
peppers with my brothers. – Hey, here’s the guy. He saved my life with
a spare tire last week. – Oh. – Say a few of the VP’s and I
are going golfing this weekend, you got a set of clubs? – I’m sure I will. – All right. (upbeat music) – Score! Ah, thank you Amazon Foresight. – What? – Nothing. (laughter) – See you at work. – Okay. – This is a big meeting,
are you gonna be okay? – Yeah, yeah just days
like today I could really use a drink. – What, did I hear somebody
needs drink? Maybe this’ll help. What, what? – She’s ten years sober,
asshole. – Oh I’m, God. – Her husband just died in
a drunk driving accident. – That’s a shitty red. Sorry, I should have said mine
first. – It’s not that bad. – That is a shitty red. – Guys, Kim. – Why don’t you sit this one
out? – [Man with Beard] Foresight. (mumbled voice on police
intercom) – Have you been drinking, sir? – Have you been drinking? – You lost your license? – It’s fine, it’s just, I made a
mistake. I’m gonna take the bus. – [Blonde Woman] Through
downtown, is that even safe? – I don’t know. (intense music) – Hey, hey! Yo, your wallet– – No! (hollers) – Good, Gah! Dude, your wallet! – Oh God, I am so sorry. Let me give you some money. No, please. (talking over each other) – That fella’s rich. Let’s mug him! Gimme that money, gimme that
money! (hollering) – You’re being sued for assault? By three people? – Yes, but only one of ’em has a
case. – What, that’s not better,
Chris. You’ve been acting so
erratically lately– (dramatic music drowns out
speaker) Chris, hello, are you
even listening to me? I’m telling you to leave! (flatulence squeaks) – Excuse me. – I don’t trust you. (flatulence squeaks) (coughs over flatulence) – Good Lord, Daren, what
did you have for lunch, diarrhea? – No! – Relax, it’s a candle, what’s
the worst that could happen? – [Voiceover] Oh my God, fire! – It was such an improbable
series of events. I mean, first my co-worker,
Daren was farting so much– – Chris, is this your candle? You know our policy on candles. You know what, I would tell
you to box up your things but they’re burnt. Now get out of here! – But I didn’t light it. Nancy, I’m so, it was, I’m so
sorry, it was Foresight. It was Foresight. It was Foresight! – [Blonde Woman] Chris,
did you buy a sex toy? – No, no, no, no it’s not what
you think. I signed up for a service
that automatically sends me what I need. – You think you need this? – No, no baby. There was a card, and then a
video, and a girl with a cool hat, and music by white people, and everything was going
fine for a few weeks, and then suddenly, it just
started ruining my life. – Chris, you’re not making any
sense. – I’ll cancel the service right
now. And I’ll show you. No. No, baby, I swear, it was just
there. – You know what, good bye,
Chris. – It was just there! (groaning) Oh God. It started with the blue shirt. It was the blue shirt, and then after that the antacids
came. And then that helped
me with the hot sauce. (loud thud) (intense music) Ow, no! What? Who are you, I didn’t. Wait, should I? Use it, no. No, I should just throw this
out. What if that’s the ironic twist? Huh, what if I’m throwin’
away my only protection? Is this my fate? Ah, what is happening? Am I being manipulated? Is this some sort of
self-proclaimed prophesy like Looper? Like Looper, I didn’t understand
Looper. Is that what you wanna hear? I didn’t understand Looper! – Hi neighbor! Hi, I’m so glad I caught you. I think you got my package
there. – Your what? – My package, in fact, I
think a lot of my deliveries have been coming here. I accidentally plugged your
address into the website. And by the way, do you
mind not telling Amazon about this, the seller lists
that as guns with two n’s. – No, no, no. – I know, I’m surprised it
worked, too. – No, it’s Amazon Foresight. – Amazon what? – It’s Amazon Foresight. – Amazon Foresight. Oh, oh like you mean that
April Fool’s video they did? (laughs) Pretty silly, right? (dramatic music) Although, I think Google’s
are usually a little funnier. But nothing’s as funny
as watching that seal play the saxophone (laughs). Oh no, did they get ya? Aw, well ain’t that a kick in
the pants. You know, I guess we both
learned a little lesson here. Life’ll give you all
the ingredients you need but it’s up to you to
figure out what’s your– (gun fires) – Ah! (gun fires) I needed that. (upbeat music) – [Voiceover] Hey guys,
these recordings should cover us for the next few
years with April Fool’s Days. If you love free delivery
and hate getting blown up by drones, then you’ll love
the all new Amazon Extortion. With Amazon Extortion, our
fleet of armed, autonomous drones won’t destroy you
and everyone you love for only $13 a month. Next one, you rely on Amazon
Prime for your packages, AmazonFresh for your food,
but what about when you desperately need an organ
transplant? Well, now there’s Amazon Heart. The service that’s there
when you critically need it. (imitates throat clearing) Rick, can I get some water? Thank you. Love reading your Kindle
but wish other people could see what you’re reading? How else will they know how
smart you are? Well, now there’s Amazon
Book, it’s just a book. (cheering)

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